i-think Twenty-Two

They say to “give the people what they want”. According to the stats, the fine people of the Internet want to hear what I have to say about such things as “When to Propose“. Despite the fact that the post is over two and a half years old and I remain as single today as I was then it is the number one post read on my blog. In fact, a quick Google search reveals that I am number 3 on the list when you search for “when to propose”. These posts have also seen the highest number of comments from people I don’t know.

This tells me three important things:

1. I should write more posts about proposing, relationships, etc
2. There must be a shortage of good information on the Internet about this topic
3. The people of the Internet will listen to anyone for advice

With that out of the way, let’s start to explore this topic that the Internet seems to deem me an authority on, proposing.

I am a student of film and television (in the sense that I watch a lot of it). Most of what I’ve learnt about life I have picked up from movies and TV. Most importantly I have learnt that life is not at all like what I see on movies and television. There is no guarantee of a happy ending. Indeed, things don’t seem to quite end or wrap up nicely as they do on film. That’s why I like film and television. I watch it because it isn’t what I see around me every day, but I can still apply broad concepts.

Proposing is all about managing risk. Indeed, everything about life is about managing risk. Risk is what makes life enjoyable. Knowing the answer to every problem is not quite as gratifying as solving the problem.

So where was I? Right, proposing and risk. The trick I suppose to dealing with the risk of proposing is to break it down in to the factors that contribute most to the risk. By recognising these factors, it should become easier to pick the best time to propose, or even if you should.

Factors are likely to be different for each person, but it is probably best to look at the long term goals and aspirations of each side to see how well they combine. If sleeping with as many people as possible is your goal and your partner’s is to be involved in a committed monogamous relationship, perhaps your long term prospects aren’t tied well together. Similarly, if you are looking to travel and explore the world and you partner wants to settle down and start a family you might also be on the wrong track.

Ideally you want to find a partner whose life path travels parallel or intertwines with yours. There is obviously going to be some compromises along the way, but when one path winds to the left, so must the other for the relationship to continue. Of course, compromise has to go both ways.

Perhaps the hardest part of accepting the risk of proposing is to accept that there is no right answer to the question (the question being “will you marry me?” if you have lost track). A “no” can be a positive step as it may make it clearer that your paths are diverging. Similarly a “yes” may lead to further trouble down the road if those paths diverge.

But as I was saying earlier, the risks in life are what make it interesting. Importantly, these risks can come with great rewards. So if you are prepared and ready, take the plunge and best of luck to you.

This week reports trickled in of yet another engagement within the small group of people collectively referred to as Friends.The initial tip-off was made by a party wishing to remain anonymous and was given off the record. Naturally The Mill could not proceed (and retain journalistic integrity) until the story was confirmed. Fortunately, confirmation was made yesterday by Will that he had indeed proposed to Alison, and importantly she accepted.

Given the increasing number of people who visit The Mill for proposal advice^[1], it is important to share as many details as possible about the engagement. Please be aware that further information is still forth-coming and The Mill will endeavour to follow up on any further leads it may receive.

Throwing caution to the wind was how Will decided to proceed, proposing at the start of an overseas holiday. This risk paid good dividends for both Will and Alison, who were able to treat the entire vacation as an engagement honeymoon, building memories that will last a lifetime. Originally, The Mill posted an article^[2] suggesting making the proposal at the end of the vacation, although Will’s experience has shown that it is not necessary to follow The Mill’s suggestions to the letter.

So, for all of our visitors who are seeking ways to tie the knot with that special someone, be sure to use The Mill and any other resource you may find for inspiration. It is not necessary to follow advice of this type verbatim, indeed it is next to impossible to provide universal advice that will suit every situation. Hopefully you know the person you are wishing to propose to better than The Mill and you can use that insight to improve the odds of getting the answer you want.

If you have a proposal story that you’d like to see on The Mill leave a comment on a relevant post and we’ll get in touch with you to produce a feature article.

Finally, congratulations must go out to Will and Alison. Everyone here at The Mill wishes you the very best.

1. In March, 37.5% of visitors who came via search engines used the phrase ‘when to propose’, with approximately 10% using a variant on the phrase. So far this month, over half of visitors via search engines have come seeking proposal advice [back ↩]
2. When To Propose [back ↩]

Back in November 2005, The Mill posted an article looking at when was the best time to propose. Now, over a year later that post has spawned a legitimate comment from James Mills posing the following questions:

1. Is a year too early?
2. How do you know she’ll say “yes”?
3. How do you find her ring size without her finding out?

The Mill immediately enlisted the help of Paul to answer these tricky questions. So hopefully between the both of us we can give James some insight and hopefully provide a unique point of view as he contemplates this huge decision.

Is a year too early?
Paul’s response:

Is a year of dating too early to propose : I would reduce this one down to prior experience. Have you both played the field before, so you’re reasonably certain you’ve found what you’re looking for? If not, maybe a bit more time. And have you tried living together, even for just a 2 week getaway - As Rhys suggested that’s a perfect test to see if you can stand living with them.

Also don’t forget sexual compatibility : it is possible for people to be allergic to each others fluids, even sweat, so it’s good to make sure this isn’t the case before you decide to make it permanent. (Ok ok, this is my argument for sex before marriage, but man is it relevant - who wants rashes after having a shag? And for the rest of your life?)

Something else that makes sense is the observation that the older people are, the faster the engagement. So for people in their 20’s, it seems that more time usually passes before the decision to marry. But for people in their 30’s, I’ve seen a few marriages after less than 6 months (ahh Coles people; always amusing). I would hope this trend is based on having the experience to know that their partner is “the one… at least for now”. Otherwise it simply skews ones perception.

I think it all depends on just how far the relationship has come during that time. If you are contemplating marriage, then chances are the relationship has progressed substantially. The trick comes down to this: Is this the person you want to spend the rest of you life with? (An oldie but a goodie). Other good questions to ask yourself include:

• What would I be prepared to give up for this person?
• Is being with this person better than not being with them?
• How many sides of this person have I seen? Would you still be happy if the worst side was the most dominant?
• What if divorce wasn’t an option later down the track?

This is more about putting yourself into a frame of mind of thinking whether the marriage is right for you. Your next question continues in the right direction by asking whether marriage is right for your partner.

How do you know she’ll say “yes”?
Here’s what Paul had to say:

Well if the topic of marriage has come up before you should have some idea. Talking about kids might help too, as if she wants to have kids and also has the whole “Children out of Wedlock is evil” idea then it’s just a matter of knocking her up.

If you’ve never even discussed marriage before, then dude, I suggest you do before you ask her. She may be dead set against the concept of marriage (and fair enough given the divorce rates, but I digress), and feeling this information out before hand is essential Intel on the battlefield of life.

If you can’t get this sort of information out of her, then personally I’d be worried about proposing, because this is pretty basic stuff a couple should talk about who are contemplating a life together.

This comes down to two simple questions (and it is important to look at this objectively and not take it too personally):

1. Does she want to get married in the near future?
2. Does she want to get married to you?

These questions may seem fairly obvious, but it is easy to forget about these basic principles when emotion takes over. Certainly let emotion play its part (it is certainly most important), but be sure that the emotion is long-term.

Paul has it right on the money. You have to ask. By now you probably have all the information you need to answer these two questions. If not, it might be worthwhile taking the time to find out. Consider family upbringing, religious beliefs (if applicable) and overall how you feel she thinks about you.

How do you find her ring size without her finding out?
Paul had this to say:

This is, naturally, hard. You can “borrow” one of her other rings and get a jeweller to try and estimate the size of her ring finger from that. You can try and measure it while she’s asleep. But another thing you can do is get her a betrothal ring - a pre-engagement ring - that doesn’t have to be perfect but you use it to propose. And then after the proposal she can choose her own ring and get it measured properly full well knowing what’s going on, and she still gets the traditional proposal with a ring - Win Win. When I did this the betrothal ring was only about $150, and had to be adjusted after purchase to fit her. Which was fine. And then when we got the engagement ring she got all the input she wanted (ie all of it); and the best part is with this approach : The man can’t be blamed for spending thousands on a ring she doesn’t like. Think about it

As an extension to what Paul has suggested above, it might help if you can see if any of your fingers are the same size as hers. Then you can try on rings and know exactly how it will fit.

Paul’s betrothal ring suggestion is good, but you need to make the intention very clear. If she wants to marry you this shouldn’t really be an issue. If you do buy an expensive ring, make sure you get it resized quickly to prevent it from being lost. Remember, you can always return/exchange the ring if it isn’t to her taste.

I hope that this information has been useful and has provided you with some tools to assist in your decision.

Next in The Mill we will discuss the degradation of human society and reveal a solution to attempt to fix it. Stay tuned.